Fck Love …

After I ended my engagement, my mood was: fck love

Maybe it’s not for me…

Maybe I’m the one woman that God forgot about…

I felt so strongly about it and was in such a funk behind it that I actually took my fool self down to the tattoo shop and got a “fck love breakup tattoo” that reads: love has a limit (thanks Keri Hilson lol)

I had really started to believe that love was to blame for all that I had lost.

that mood lasted for a few months…

just long enough for me to realize that I couldn’t blame anyone else for my burdens and it was up to me to get rid of my baggage…

Have you ever felt like that?

Ever felt like giving up on love?

Ever felt like there aren’t any good men (or any good enough for you) left in the world?

If we never see examples of healthy, happy love it’s easy to believe that it doesn’t exist or that love can’t last…

So this year I wanted to do something that we’ve never done before, specifically for my ladies who are losing faith in love…

Every year at the Big Hat Brunch, we hear from happy wives who want to help us understand what to do before we say I do. But this year, I’m introducing you to two couples whose stories are relatable and whose advice is relevant…

They’re going to share what it takes to make love last and help you understand how important your decisions are when it comes to your dating life…

Whether you’re single, married or in a complicated situationship — this conversation is definitely going to help you check yourself so you can change your life… plus, it’s going to inspire you to keep the faith in love…

These days I’m more excited than ever about my happily ever after because I see real examples of real love every single day.. I surround myself with love so that I’m better able to recognize it when it shows up in my life..

and I realize that the more I focus on achieving goals and becoming the woman God created me to be, the closer I get to the man He created for me.

Come hear this conversation and find out how to become a better woman before becoming a wife.

<< click here to get a weekend pass or big hat brunch ticket >>

xoxo

Dear Single Women: Stop Being So Thirsty

Six years ago today, I made a decision to sell my soul to the devil. Not for a million bucks. Not for fame and fortune.

I agreed to sell my soul for a ring and a wedding. 

As shallow, crazy or unbelievable as it may sound– that’s exactly what I did. On June 6, 2010 I said yes to a proposal that I knew wasn’t right. I agreed to marry someone I knew wasn’t the man for me and it was all because I was so damn thirsty.

Thirsty to be married.

Thirsty to start a family.

Thirsty to feel loved.

Hell, I was thirsty to change my facebook status.

So when the opportunity presented itself, I did what most thirsty women do…I jumped at the chance to have any man, instead of waiting for the right man. Exactly one month before this proposal I had a hunch, that gut feeling, the red flag was thrown that told me something wasn’t right with this guy. I remember it being Cinco de Mayo because I blamed it on the alcohol. My thirsty ass was quick to find an excuse about things instead of being real with myself.

Fast forward one month later to the proposal and again the thirst was real so I agreed to be his wife.

If you know the Single Wives Story then you know that the engagement quickly ended a few months later when I woke up from my delusion and came back to my senses. Six years later I am still grateful for every single lesson learned, but more importantly I’m grateful for the second chance at life.

For the longest time, I couldn’t leave the relationship because I was afraid of what people would say. I didn’t want to face the shame of being a failure..even at love. And if I would’ve let my pride keep me a prisoner, I would have surely paid the price.

I run into so many single women who want nothing more but a man. They have few hopes or dreams that aren’t tied to a ring and a wedding. I was one of those single women too. I had every detail chosen for the wedding but I had no clue how to be a wife.

So for all the single women who have hopes of becoming happy wives, here are 5 things you must do in your life before you even think about becoming a wife:

1.Love yourself before seeking love from anyone else

This is by far the most important thing you can do to prepare for a loving relationship- love yourself. Not just “oh I know I’m pretty” love, but “I refuse to accept anything but the best for myself” love.

Be loyal to your self. Enjoy your own company. Spend time exploring your true self and all of your uniqueness. In loving YOU, you should be consistently striving to become your best self. You should be investing yourself and beginning to believe that self-care is a necessity, not a luxury.

You can only teach people how to treat you by how you treat yourself and a man will not love you more than you love yourself. 

2.Know your worth. You are the prize.

Thirsty women are willing to take what they can get instead of waiting for what they deserve. In my engagement I knew he wasn’t the one but my lack of self-love convinced me that he was worth trying to change for. It convinced me that I had a shot at changing him for me too. It was never going to happen.

When you know your worth and realize who you are and who’s you are there will be certain things that you will not accept. At the first sight of a red flag, you will be over this guy and on to the next. As the CEO of your single life, it’s up to you to interview applicants who are qualified for the position and not just take any and everyone who applies. 

3.Start being real with yourself

If you can’t even be real with yourself, how could you ever expect to create something real with someone else? It’s not going to happen. If you’ve been sweeping things under the rug and pretending that all your problems have gone away, it’s time to change that.

Take a look at who you’ve become and see what needs to change. What works for me is what I like to call a “selfie check” where I write out my assets and liabilities (i.e. strengths and weaknesses) and review what areas of my life need work. Whether it’s my finances, my emotions, my health, my relationships– I want to know my status on everything so I can strengthen my weaknesses. Every few months you should stop and check your:

attitude- Lord knows I can use an attitude adjustment sometimes, we all can. But if you’re always in a funky mood with the stank face, what man do you think is going to sign up for that? Men love happy women but they don’t make women happy. Only you can control your happiness, so if you’re always in a bad mood you may want to evaluate the source that’s draining your emotions.

appearance- I don’t care what you keep telling yourself, I’m telling you that men want to look at a well put together woman. Sure they have tons of types and like different things, but they all want a woman who takes care of herself and maintains her appearance. Your man could be standing next to you at the grocery store or checking you out from across the parking lot…you never know when he’s going to show up! Stay ready so you don’t have to get ready!

authenticity- Are you comfortable being 100% authentic? We’re all on our best behavior when we first meet someone new, but how far off is it from who you really are? If you trick a man into signing up for perfect patty and then become bitchie becky, there is going to be a problem. Check yourself and fix anything you’re not willing to admit about yourself or any habits you’ve been hiding.

If you want a man to be real with you, you gotta start being real with you.

4.Decide what you really want.

A lot of people fail in life because they don’t know what they want. If you have no clue what you’re looking for you are going to have a very hard time finding it. When I met my fiancé, I had just written a long letter to God requesting all of these outrageous things I wanted in a mate. So when this guy showed up being 95% of the list and telling me I was going to be his wife (he said that the day I met him) I was all for it.

Although I thought I was being very specific with what I wanted, I was also being very silly. I wrote the list based on a bunch of superficial bullshit that doesn’t even matter and isn’t important. I didn’t once consider what his character should be like. I didn’t even think about how I wanted him to treat me. I was being thirsty for superficial things. Material things I wanted him to have, places I wanted him to be able to take me, things that I realize now don’t make a MAN. Nevertheless, the law of attraction is real and I did manifest what I requested. 

Take heed to this warning: the list will bring you exactly what you write, so be careful what you wish for (read a blog on the laws of the list). I encourage you to put a lot of thought into your priorities and not just your preferences. Think about the things that will really matter for the next 50 years, not just what will be fun for the next 5 minutes.

5.Become who you want to be with

As I said before, the law of attraction is really real. You get what you give. So if you’re giving off depressed, unhappy energy you are going to attract a depressed, unhappy man. After you think carefully and write the list, become the list and then you’ll attract the list.

I know hands-down that I attracted a broken boy because I was a broken little girl. I attracted exactly who I was. Not who I was pretending to be. 

As you do with any other goal you want to achieve, create deadlines and hold yourself accountable for personal growth as you would with professional growth. Do yourself a favor and focus on becoming a better woman so that you’ll attract the best man for you.


Today I am grateful for this experience because it taught me so much about myself, I otherwise would not have known. It showed me what I really wanted and what I should never accept.

I am 100% sure that I experienced that engagement to be able to save someone else from learning a tough lesson the hard way. Before you go looking and hoping and praying for a good man, become a good woman. 

Enjoy every moment of the life you are living, be grateful for all that you have and have faith that everything you want is on it’s way to you… at the perfect time.

Oh and stop being so damn thirsty.

P.S. I got a whole lot more to say!! Click below to hear more on this topic! Watch now:
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xoxo

Sig24

Surviving Settling Season

Just because you’re single, doesn’t mean you’re desperate or willing to settle. Once you’re at a certain age (I’d say 25+) there are certain expectations set for you.  You’re out of college, into your career and single as hell. Meanwhile, every time you log on to Facebook someone is getting married. After so many engagement stories and wedding photos, it’s normal to become impatient and start looking for Mr. Right in all the WRONG places. That old “always the bridesmaid, never the bride” cliché starts replaying over and over in your head.

 

Then one day, while you’re minding your business some fool asks the most annoying question: WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE? And, you’re all like…

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If anyone understands the ‘single struggle’ it’s ME! I’ve gotten a ring before and that was the easy part..being willing to wait for the right person is the challenge. So, what about when you’re not willing to settle for just anyone? What about when you want to hold out for the real thing…the guy who gives you butterflies when his name pops up on your phone (Remember butterflies? Haven’t had those in foreverrrrrrr!) These days, and especially in Atlanta- women are growing desperate out of fear of being bored and lonely. It’s crazy to me that some women would rather spend a night out with ANYONE than to be alone. My epiphany came from a conversation with my sister when she said “If I was going to settle, I would have done it years ago..the years for settling have passed.” So, out of my disgust for desperation, I coined the term ‘settling season.’

Settling season is the five-eight years immediately following college. It’s when we start religiously receiving save-the-dates, attending weddings and planning baby showers. It’s when we start ditching holiday parties at work because we’re the only one without a spouse. It’s when we start to wonder what’s wrong with us and why we don’t have anyone. It’s when we start making excuses to take back exes and entertaining losers we know aren’t worthy of us.

 

I CHALLENGE YOU TO

SURVIVE SETTLING SEASON

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Don’t date out of desperation. If you have NO real interest in someone, please don’t go along for a free meal. There isn’t a restaurant in the world worth wasting your time. If you really just want a nice night out, treat yourself! Plus, it’s just plain rude to waste someone’s time if there is really no interest. That’s called playing games and AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!

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I know it’s easier said than done, so I came up with a few tips to help you get through settling season with your emotions intact.

-Get a hobby-

What do YOU like to do? Find a new hobby by creating a list of interests. For example, if you’re really into fashion you can start a few DIY projects and transform old clothes into new looks! If you’ve always been into photography, you can find a cheap class to take. (Don’t sleep on GROUPON- you’d be susprised all the great things you can find for cheap!) Step one is to make a list of the things that interest you and make you smile.

-Get some girls-

By now, you should have a few real friendships. Take the time to nurture those relationships, because we know exactly what’s going to happen when Mr. Right rolls up.  It’s better to really build your bond with your girls NOW so that maintaining it will be a little easier once you’re in a relationship. Plus, research shows that marriages last longer when each person has strong friendships outside of the relationship. (It alleviates depending on each other for everything.) If you’re in business, you definitely want to create a dream team- the village it takes to live your dream. [Find out how I built mine here]

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-Read a damn book-

Smart is the new sexy! Plus, reading really opens your mind to new dimensions!! A few suggestions to get you started are: Ms. Typed, The Traveler’s Gift and Think and Grow Rich and WERK 101: Get-Your-Life-Together Guide [shameless plug!] Plus, reading helps you carry a conversation. Men LOVE interesting women! Teach him something new everyday and it’ll renew his interest each time!

-BECOME who you want to be with-

Instead of spending countless hours worrying about when Mr. Right is going to finally show his face, spend time becoming Mrs. Right. What are your areas of need? In what ways can you afford to improve? Take a really good look within and then take action. Create concrete goals for yourself and then come up with a real plan to achieve them. Are you finally ready to shed those last 10 pounds? Are you really ready to learn how to cook? Are you ready to forgive someone who hurt you? Are you finally ready to get rid of the baggage you’ve been carrying for the last 5 years? WHAT IS IT that you can work on NOW?  Once you’ve done a self-check and created your self-improvement plan, surround yourself with like-minded women who are moving in the same direction by joining the Wife Minded Women program- a lifestyle program that encourages single ladies to become better women before becoming wives. It’s a community of like-minded ladies who are working toward one goal: creating a life full of love.

These are just a few of the ways that I’m confidently overcoming settling season! I know my worth and I know what I’m bringing to the table. I’ll be damned if I waste my time with another loser..that’s the lesson I learned from almost marrying one! Stay strong and stick it out because settling is for suckers! Take it from me ladies…….

 

 

xoxo

Sig24

3 Things Men Want in a WIFE

Unlike women, men are fairly simple. Whether we want to listen or not they’ll usually tell us exactly what they need.  Give them what they need and they’re happy. Most guys are fairly low maintenance and have a WHOLE LOT in common. (Unless they’re metrosexual and then they’re out of the running anyway!)

I’ve spoken with several men of all ages, races and backgrounds and oddly enough, they typically want the same thing in a wife. The key word here is WIFE. As one guy put it “There are some things that you like because they’re exciting and fancy but that doesn’t mean you want to keep them forever..” he went on to use this analogy “Just because you are dying to rent the red sports car doesn’t mean you want to own it.”

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So, when it comes to WIVES -the woman a man chooses to be worthy of his last name- there are a few things most men (90%+) look for. On a recent episode of R.E.A.L. Single Wives TV, Charlie Ervin shared 3 characteristics of a woman who’s wife material:

She’s  Ambitious… As one guy put it “she doesn’t have to have a lot of money but she has to be working to get it..she has to be working toward something.” Believe it or not, men appreciate women who have found their passion and are pursuing their dreams. They appreciate a business-minded woman with financial sense, it puts them at ease to trusting you to manage their household. Plus, it’s very easy to lose yourself once you find someone. Give yourself a fair chance by always setting new goals, both personally and professionally. What are you working toward that doesn’t involve a man? Up your stock by starting a new venture, finding another stream of income or coming up with new ways to invest your money.

She’s Nurturing… Whether you think it’s unrealistic, disturbing or weird- men are attracted to women who give the same energy as their mother. Men need to be hugged, kissed and cared for just as much as we do. Although we like their tough exterior, we have to remember to stroke their ego and boost their confidence. They need us to be their #1 cheerleader while they’re out taking over the world. If you are out WERKing just as hard (refer to #1) then you understand the need for a solid support system when you are working toward your goals. Charlie shared that he had about 15 business ideas when he met his wife Rissy and she supported his ideas instead of killing his dreams! Being nurturing is a key quality that men look for in a wife.

She’s Easy to Love… She’s not playing games, making him “prove his love” by doing ridiculous things or creating arguments based on her insecurities. A confident woman who knows her worth, understands her flaws and accepts love and support from others is a woman that any smart woman will want to keep around. One thing women often fail to realize is the same barriers we put up to protect our hearts often keep out the men who can help heal them. A marriage-minded man will appreciate a fair chance and won’t waste his time doing petty things to prove himself to you. One guy mentioned that he shouldn’t have to “Start at zero and earn points with you based on your insecurities.”  Instead, he should start with all of the points and lose them based only on his own actions instead of your experiences with others. How many times have you overreacted because your new guy reminded you of something your old guy did? A woman who’s ready for marriage will be open to receiving real love and freely give it away.

So, how do you add up? Although there are hundreds of qualities men look for in a wife, mastering these 3 are sure to set you apart from the typical woman on the dating scene. Whether you want to accept it or not, we’re fighting a losing battle in the numbers game. There are far more eligible women than there are men which means men have more options than we do. Please get out of the mindset of thinking that a man should come along and accept you flaws and all, whether you are working to improve them or not. Men don’t mind being a part of your growth process as long as you are in progress. Your goal each day is to be better than the last and when you know better, you do better.

So, now you know!

 

xoxo

Sig24

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Watch the full episode below to find out how Rissy knew Charlie was the one, which deal breakers are petty and which ones are a priority and more ways that you can prepare to become a happy wife.

 

Stop Settling for Single

Are you settling for single?

If you’re really interested in pursuing a relationship but aren’t willing to do your part, then the answer is yes because you’d rather be comfortable and alone than stretch yourself and give dating a try.. I’m always shocked when I hear a woman say she “wants a man” but sits at home alone every single night of the week, never entertains the guy who approaches her at the grocery store (since that’s the only place she goes) and turns her nose up at the idea of online dating. 

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Let me get this straight…you are interested in a relationship with someone new, but you’re not actually open to the possibility of meeting someone new. Well, how in the world are you going to connect those dots? *insert confused emoji* If you really want a fair chance at dating, you have to:

Step One:  LEAVE YOUR HOUSE

Unless you plan on dating the cable guy or repair man (and by all means, date away if that’s your preference) you have to actually leave the house. Ideally, you’ll go somewhere that requires you to look nice, smell good and SMILE! Going to the mall in your jeggings and flats is not the most ideal time to meet a man. Not to say that it’s impossible, but that doesn’t take any effort. The point here is stepping out of your comfort zone and consciously making an effort to look great and feel great…when you look good, you feel good! So put some thought into it and make plans to get out of your house! [If you’re feeling really BAW$Y go out alone! Sit at the bar and look happy!]

Step Two: TALK TO PEOPLE

You get NO credit for getting out of the house unless you actually talk to someone. Don’t go to the familiar place and talk to all of the people you already know, that completely defeats the purpose. Try the new spot that just opened up or the place you’ve been meaning to visit, the key is putting yourself in a new environment so you can meet new people. Warm up by talking to the bartender, they’re there to talk to you anyway! Plus, it’ll show the guys at the bar that you’re friendly and open to conversation!   [Side note: Want fool-proof flirting? Give a compliment!]

I read a dating advice column this morning and one woman shared that she’s 29 years old and has never been in a relationship. She swore she’s tried online dating, asks her friends to hook her up and even approaches men when she’s out..still, NO ACTION. In this case, the only advice that the expert could give is that she must not be flirting enough. Although she may have been talking to men, she was being very aggressive (masculine vs feminine) and wasn’t actually flirting..there’s a difference. He went on to explain that men need women to flirt with them in the beginning in order to feel desired. Crazy, huh? LOL.

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Which brings me to my final point. Do NOT. I repeat, do NOT buy into the “I don’t need a man” BS. We are humans. Humans need love and affection to survive and I refuse to believe that you’ll ever truly experience happiness in the absence of love. There’s nothing weak or shameful about wanting companionship from someone who loves you in a healthy way. I mean, who wouldn’t want the man who supports your dreams, encourages your happiness and shows you what real love is?  We could ALL use that man! I come from a long line of single ass women and I refuse to continue the legacy. There’s only so much happiness that ends with getting in the bed alone every night. As much as I want this money, I can’t really enjoy it without my honey LOL. (I’m serious though.)

If you’re really ready to get in the game, meet someone new and build something REAL it’s going to take some WERK! But that doesn’t mean it has to be stressful or uncomfortable! I’m creating a new way to make flirting fun, stay tuned for details. But, in the meantime- get out there and at least SMILE at someone, tell a man he smells good or something!!!!!

 

xoxo

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